Far-fetched as it may seem, tinkering with the electronic gadgetry of an automated public toilet could expose one stark naked. That is, if such facility is located in a busy public place, like a city plaza.

In England, an automated public toilet is also informally known as ‘Superloos’. This is a self-contained, self-cleaning and unisex facility. In the case of a pay toilet – see Figure 1 as an example – a coin is inserted into a control panel on the outside of the unit.

My story happened sometime in 1989 when I was an overseas graduate student at the University of London’s Wye College taking up Master of Science in Rural Resources and Environmental Policy. Wye College is located within England’s historic county of Kent (famous for its Canterbury tales, magnificent cathedral and medieval castles). During weekend, I usually shopped in Ashford – a town within the county of Kent – which is about half an hour bus drive from Wye College.

In one particular Saturday, after alighting from the bus, I had a sudden stomachache as I was walking towards the supermarket. I felt as if all my intestines were grumbling. I was already perspiring, wanting badly to ‘shit-it-out’ to relieve the stomach pain. Since the public toilet was quite far from my location, I decided to try impromptu the coin-operated automated public toilet in the middle of Ashford’s plaza.

Once inside the booth, I hurriedly pulled my pants down, sat on the toilet bowl, and started to defecate. I felt both relaxed and amazed of such new shitting experience: the booth was air-conditioned, and it had a piped-in stereo-music. Coming from a situation of nearly shitting in my pants, my new circumstance was like ‘shitting in heaven’. After the initial euphoria, I then started to ponder on how to get out later (Figure 2).

Out of curiosity, while still defecating, I pulled down what looked like a lever. Slowly, the door started to open and I saw people walking around the plaza. The door opened almost halfway, and I had found myself in a very compromising shitting position with my pants literally down. Instinctively, I stood up and my left hand pulled up my pants in a single stroke. My right hand clang to the door desperately and pulled it back with all my strength and might. All the while, I was cursing the door in my native Filipino tongue with these words: Putang Ina. Sumara ka. Nakahubad ako! Its translation is: “Son of a bitch – you’ve got to close. I’m stark naked!”

Luckily, the door slowly closed but I was perspiring heavily despite the cold temperature inside. Lesson learned: when you panic during crunch time, you automatically express yourself in native tongue. I cannot help but laugh alone whenever I remember this international ‘shitting’ incident.

Copyright © 2019 Michael D Pido